My Intro... An Angry Saturday Night about Sacrifice!

I just need to let it out, I need to vent. I'm tipsy, but not tipsy enough to not blog. It's a cold Saturday night in NYC. My husband and I went to dinner... we ended up having some Martinis, as usual, we ended up discussing our past. We were discussing sacrifices we made for one another, he felt he made a lot more sacrifices than I, and said, "lets not go there." Excuse Me! I made a lot of sacrifices for my husband, including the fact that he called off our wedding one and a half months before our date. YES! That is a fact and the reality I live with each day, and I still married him. I can't believe he has the nerve to say that he sacrificed more for me... and the reason is because he was willing to give up everything, his parents, his family, his country, to be with me. Oh, the truth about desi men... the pain a desi man endures, a desi immigrant, who leaves home by choice, and then blames his wife for his prescence in the USA. The US of A, a first world, clean, civilized country that he lives in by choice, and he blames me for living here. I said to him, "you would have lived here regardless, so I don't see how this could possibly be a sacrifice." Of course, he was like, "it doesn't matter, I sacrificed more." Another fact I live with is that two of my three siblings did not attend my wedding in India... and he said that does not count because his siblings did not attend our reception here in the US. What is more important for a woman, or a man for that matter, the wedding, or the reception? I would think the former. For a girl to not have her siblings attend her wedding is a HUGE F'in deal... and he brushed it off so lightly.

What am I doing here at 12 am blogging crap about my husband? We have been married nine months now... and I do love him, I went back to him after all the crap he put me thru, but something is missing. There are days I feel so alone, there are days I feel I married someone so much more different than I. We have so much in common, and yet other times it feels like we are from two different planets. For most of my life I was raised in the United States, however he was raised in India. Our cultures brought us together, yet our mentality differs in many ways. Is it ever easy? If I had married an ABCD, would it have been easier, or would I be facing a different set of problems? I often question this. Now don't get me wrong... I met my husband at work, I fell in love with him as a friend, and then I fell in love with him all over again as my husband. At the time I didn't realize how complicated our love would have become, we were just two crazy people in our 20s and in love. Had I known his family was about to disapprove of me because I was not the right "caste".... SIGH! Grow up people, we are in the 21st century! It became such an issue that my husband ended up going thru depression and calling off our wedding because of his parents' lack of support. I'm no saint either, I'll be the first to admit, I turned into Bridezilla and put pressure on him for other things, materialistic things that were a reach for him. Despite everything, our love survived thru all that, we ended up getting married where his parents wanted us to, in India, we abided by their customs, their rituals, and without my siblings. Lets also not forget the fact the Bride's parents endured all wedding costs, in addition, all reception costs in the USA. Hey, everything is fair in love and war, right? Why did I do it? I did it for him, I did it for me, because I was in love with him, I was also a certain 30 something, so age wasn't exactly on my side, and lastly, I was weakened by love. The kind of love that weakens you so much, you end up losing 10 pounds and look frail, weak, helpless, I wasn't the same person, I was in shock, I didn't care about myself, my job, nothing. Nothing mattered to me, but him. That is the kind of "weakness" I am talking about... I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on my worst enemy, and yet I looked past all of it, I suppose I forgave it. Some say I have a big heart and I am a strong person to forgive him, others are probably "thinking" I was weak and why did I forgive him. Sometimes I can't help but wonder, what if I didn't marry him, then what? Would I have met someone better? Would I have been happier? Am I expecting too much out of life? Would things have been different if I married an ABCD? I do love my husband deeply, I really do, but no love is perfect, even the ones that are effortless and where the parents approve. I often find myself thinking about the past, sometimes resenting him, often times resenting his parents. If things hadn't gone downhill, would we have been happier now? When will I let go of the past and the pain that I endured? When will I stop resenting his parents? When will I stop pretending that everything is perfect with his parents, when deep down I know it is not, rather it is far from it? When will he realize that I will never be capable of loving his parents, or really truly care for them. I do care about his parents, but not the kind of care one has for his own parents. I care for my friends a lot more than his parents. Is that normal? As annoying as my own parents are, I love them, I would do anything for them, his parents, I'm not so sure. I make an effort and call India to speak to them, but not as often as they would like me to, and frankly I just don't give a damn. I will never be able to live up to their standards of being that perfect Indian "bahu", but I make my weekly calls to make my husband happy, and that is it!

I guess after blogging all this... I do see how my husband fought against it all to be with me. He broke family tradition, he broke strong values that his family believed in... but I went thru a lot as well. For an Indian man to fight against his parents to marry the love of his life is a big deal, to win against all odds, is an even bigger deal. I was upset today when he said I didn't sacrifice as much as he did.. that is such bullsh*t. I sacrificed a lot, now I am sacrificing as a wife, realizing the hardships of being an Indian wife to a typical desi man... an Indian wife with a freakin' full time job and no naukers. God only knows how much I will have to sacrifice in the future, if it ever came down to living with the in-laws... I guess it would be safe to say, "let's not go there."