I'm here sitting at my mom's house today... kinda sad, but I feel myself getting stronger after every fight. I am able to eat, before when we would fight I would starve myself, I would have a knot in my stomach, not anymore :-)
I honestly don't know what this fight was about, I had PMS, I was emotional, I wanted to talk about my feelings, I started crying, I think my husband got frustrated, things went wrong. What I needed was love and comfort, I needed him to hold me and assure me he would be there for me no matter what, I needed him to listen to me and act like he really cares. That did not happen. He chose not to talk to me, despite I do pretty much everything for him, cooking, cleaning, etc. Last night I didn't cook, I just made Maggie Noodles, why the fuck would I cook after I'm treated like a doormat?
I think he also worried about his brother, who lives in India, he wants to come here for his MBA, sadly though, his brother got a terrible GMAT score. My husband really goes out of his way for his family, as one should, but I think he goes a bit too far. He has spent the last 2 years helping his brother out, filling out his applications, writing him looooooooooong emails about life, and asking him what he wants out of his life. His brother is 26! He even had me call up his brother and talk to him about his future plans.
What gets me is that why the fuck does he baby his brother so much? He is a grown man, who needs to stand on his own 2 feet and make some decisions on life, take some initiative. Why the hell doesn't he just say, "you need to get your act together and grow up." What puzzles me is he has no issues fighting with me if I ask him a question he does not like, however he sits there baby-ing his brother who has absolutely no goal in life, no motivation in life. So what do I think? I think my husband totally takes me for granted. He doesn't appreciate me, he thinks I'll always be around, that I can't distant myself from him. The truth is I really do love him, and I'm needy, I'm whiny, I'm a typical girly-girl, but I know if I want to distant myself from him, I can do it, and boy can I be a bitch if I do that.
When does it get easy? I wish I was his priority... there are days I will need love and support... it's always about him. Soon enough I'll have a kid and it'll be about him doing his MBA. Again, I will need to support him. Sure as hell, I am NOT living with his parents... at that point I would lose it. If Indian men would just grow some fuckin' balls and learn to prioritize their wife, and give time to their family, things would be okay. Instead, they choose to treat their wife like doormats, they don't do shit around the house, he doesn't pick up after himself, he doesn't help me with the dishes, cleaning, NOTHING! It's all about him and his family and his MBA and his god damn job!
I am so sick and tired of it. I come home, to my mom's home, hoping to take a break from my life, I don't have to cook or clean, I can just talk to her and spend time with my siblings. I am dreading when I have to go to India and spend 2 weeks there, I hate that country so much, let alone live there! Fuck no!
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I sure hope things have gotten better for you...take care. Would love to see more posts!
ReplyDeleteBtw, I am also an abcd. I used to blog at http://restlesshousewiferambling.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteif u r interested!
I totally get you. I'm in the exact same situation and circumstances but worse. I feel I handle everything tat comes my way from this unaffectionate, emotionally disabled jerk. But I can't Coe to terms with loss of real companionship in life that we need as women!
ReplyDeleteI like to express myself in writing. I want to start a blog on being married to a desi. I need help
ReplyDeleteCan the person who made this blog message me please?!?
ReplyDeleteMizz N.S, if you want to talk you can contact me.
ReplyDeleteI'm married to a fob as well.. I'm an ABCD and can understand alll of these hardships.. would be great to vent together!
ReplyDeleteAnd here I thought I was the only one feeling like this. I have never thought about taking to the internet to vent, but seems like a good idea. I too am married to an Indian man, and it too was a love marriage not its anything BUT marriage or Love!!!!
ReplyDeleteI hope things have been better since its been over 10 years since you have written this blog. I totally understand the situation you were (optimist) in and i wanted to reply on this thread from quite a bit. I am the other side - a fob married to an abcd & yes we are not doing so great either!!
ReplyDeleteI have to say that i despise 90% of the actions your husband did however i wanted to say that 10% of them are due to how fobs grow up in india.
Our beliefs are a lot to do with our surroundings and env we grew up in. An elder sibling acting like a "dad" to his younger sibs used to be a norm (not anymore - i think).
Parents: A huge thing for a FOB (or anyone) is how does my choice to live in USA long term is going to effect my parents? Eventually they will get old. Eventually they will need some sort of help. What will i do at that time? Senior living is a taboo in India and with rising healthcare cost in USA .. will i be able to afford their needs here? If in long term, they move to USA, where will they stay? With me? How does that impact my wife and kids? and 1000 more questions.
And yes, I talk to my parents often cause i want to make sure that they okay. AND I do check on my in-laws who live 20 minutes away from our house as well. The major difference is - I can see my inlaws every week. I know how they are doing.. we go out for dinners and family gatherings. On the other hand my parents are home alone .. I want to check on them as much as possible.
I guess this is the biggest difference in the mindset.. Since even the parents here in US are more self dependent emotionally and financially - i tend to call my parents frequently so they don't feel alone.
I think my issues are a post for future... however i absolutely want to talk to some ABCD girls married to fobs to understand their point of view and what they think about relationship .. I mean are you all-in for a relationship or something holds you back?
I think - even after 3 years of marriage and me going all in - physically, emotionally, financially & socially- my wife still thinks "what if it fails" ..