He said FU to me!

It is a Sunday evening, I had such a great week with my husband... I was wondering to myself, 'wow.. this is too good to be true, something is bound to happen.' We just can't go more than one and a half weeks without having some sort of dispute.

It was 9:30 pm and he went to the bedroom, I was just about to start "Desperate Housewives" for us to watch, instead he was going to call home, home for him is New Delhi, India. Now here comes the "I said, he said" part....

I said: Why do you always call home?
He: Fuck You! Who are you to tell me when I can call home?

I just left the room.

He called me into the room later...

He said: Why do you care how often I call home?
I didn't say anything.
He said: If i want, I can stop going to your home, I can stop going all together and you will cry. He said you are getting too comfortable.
By saying to me, I am getting too comfortable, he means, "if I want to, I can take you to India and you'll have to live there." Sorry buddy, you married an ABCD, not a FOB!

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" states that people don't always fight about the issue, often times, we end up fighting about HOW we fight and the hurtful comments made. My husband has issues with cursing, it is no surprise to me when he curses, he curses at me once a month on average - I will start keeping count now.

I know you are probably thinking why in the world would I question him when he calls home, well because, he is ALWAYS on the phone with India. It's like he lives here, but his heart is there, he spends more time on the phone with his parents talking, then he does talking to me, his wife. He told me last night he was calling India, so he went to bed at 10 pm, he spoke to his mom and dad. This morning he spoke to his brother in law and that is another story. Now again he is calling India. He spoke to his parents again on Thursday, I spoke to his mom at that time.

So let me tell you how the coversation went with his mom on Thursday:

I said: So I hear your son-in-law (we'll call him AS) is in California on business, I hear he's very busy.
She said: Yeah, he's busy, but he still calls me, he's busy but he'll make time to call me.

What was she trying to insinuate? I can almost laugh at this woman, my so called MIL (mother-in-law). I have two issues with her at the moment...

1. My dad was in the hospital for one day getting a heart procedure, this woman did not find it necessary to call my mom and see how my dad was doing. Of course, if the situation was reversed, they would expect my mom to call. Let me not fail to mention that my parents are 70, my MIL is 55. Huge difference! It went as far as my husband telling his mom to call my mom, and she claims she did, however no one picked up the phone, uhmmm... answering machine anyone? Perhaps she could have left a message. I discussed this issue with my mom... all she said was that is how people are in India, they have expectations from the girls' side of the family and don't expect anything else. Well, fuck that!

2. I sent my MIL & FIL flowers and sweets for Diwali 2009, I did it to get on their good side, make an effort. They chose to thank their son, rather than me, despite him saying that it was my idea. I paid for the entire thing, it wasn't on our joint credit card. The issue is not about money, it is the fact that I wanted to do something nice for them, however she didn't thank me once. On top of that, my parents sent them two boxes of sweets for Diwali 2009, she never bothered to call my mom and thank her, to even ask how my dad was doing.
Why on earth would I call this woman, what for? Because she's my husband's mother, but if my mom behaved this way with my husband, I would never expect him to speak to her, or make any effort. My husband will always respect my parents and make an effort with them because they have gone over and beyond for us. His parents never have, and they never will!

I just don't care to call his parents, they don't like me, I can tell. I don't ever want to come in the way between my husband and his family, I hope he will maintain a relationship with them for life, however I get annoyed when he feels this need to call them daily. Presently, his sister is living alone in Pune, his brother-in-law is in California for business, he calls his sister EVERY DAY to see how she's doing, check up on her. She's 28! Is this normal? I have an older brother, 13 years older, he could care less to call me, and I don't mean that in a bad way. That is how siblings are... we love each other, but at the same time, it's my sibling, I speak to them on average once a week, sometimes once in two weeks, sometimes even longer. My husband cannot go more than 2-3 days without speaking to his brother or sister. I just don't get it. Does it change once you have kids?

I don't complain to him about his parents anymore, there is no point, it just leads to fights and misunderstandings. I no longer tell him what his mom says to me on the phone, again, there is no point. He'll just think I need to make more of an effort. I also realize this... if we ever had problems, I could never turn to his family because they will never help me, they will assume it is my fault because I don't share the same values and morals as my husband, being an ABCD and all. The less his parents know, the better. I don't want to set any expectations with them, that I'm this perfect bahu who will bow down to them... no way! I don't win either way. When I do something nice, they will never thank me for it, they will never give me credit. So why bother?

I was so pissed off about another issue today... my husband's brother-in-law (AS) is in California for business, as I mentioned earlier. My husband gets on the phone with him and tells him to feel free to call my sister and my brother-in-law who live in California, not far from AS. So he gave AS my sister's phone number and asked him to call and introduce himself. Lets break down this relationship....
My husband's brother-in-law is going to call up my sister. Interesting!
My sister is a doctor and a mother of two, I doubt she has time to entertain this distant relationship. My brother-in-law was kind enough to take his call and talk to him. I later spoke to my husband about this and said, you can't call my sister up and wish her Happy Birthday (just a few days ago), but you can hand over her phone number to your brother-in-law so he can hang out with them. He's like I just gave it to him, nothing is going to happen. So I thought about this even further, why really did he give AS my sister's phone number?
Hmm... thinking.. thinking.. thinking.
Could it possibly be because his mom mentioned to my husband, make sure you let AS know that they live there, it is a good way to score brownie points with the son-in-law? Could it possibly be that my husband's sister had an arranged marriage, so they do anything and everything to kiss AS's ass and make him feel like a king? It is extremely common in India to go over and beyond for a son-in-law and brother-in-law. It had to be one of these two reasons. What pisses me off is that my husband sent my sister an email letting her know AS will call, however he never called my sister and brother-in-law to see how they are doing, and possibly thank them for speaking to his brother-in-law. Once again, my husband being selfish and thinking about his own family. Honestly, what does he expect? Does he expect my sister to invite AS over to dinner? That is surely NOT happening!

So now... do you see why I asked him why he's alwyas calling his family? He prioritizes them so much, regardless of where they are. If he spent a little of this effort helping me around the house or lighting up some candles for me so we have a romantic evening, or planning a nice dinner for me inside the home, or cooking a nice dinner, or heck, even taking me out for dinner, I would give our relationship a 10. His focus is his job and his family. He will call his parents lunch time, but he won't call me to see how I'm doing. He will call his siblings lunch time, but he won't call me to see how my day is.... he does email though. I know I have access to everyone in my life here, but I do have a sister out in California, I see her two-three times a year, not often. I talk to her once in three weeks, not often. My husband also has this thing where he thinks he's the eldest son, the eldest child in the family, so it is his "duty" to call everyone and keep relationships alive. My brother doesn't do that... my family is very close knit, but he doesn't go around kissing everyone's ass. I'm just sick and tired of it. I don't have kids, so I guess I can look past it, once I have kids, I wonder if the kids and I would be his #1 priority!

So tomorrow.. I will not be speaking to him since he cursed at me, I deserve an apology for that. I don't give a shit what I have a problem with, I don't want that kind of disrespect. How low must I feel when he curses at me? This is someone I married, I am stuck with, someone who claims he loves me so much, that he can't live without me, that I am everything for him, he said, "Fuck You", to me. These words scar women, we never forget. These words just make me more distant from him. I leave the room because I don't want to deal with the situation getting worse. I'm glad I have a nice dinner outing planned with my friends, this was before the fight, so I will have a great Monday, and come home at 10 pm. I don't have to deal with him. :-)