Being taken for granted!

I'm here sitting at my mom's house today... kinda sad, but I feel myself getting stronger after every fight. I am able to eat, before when we would fight I would starve myself, I would have a knot in my stomach, not anymore :-)

I honestly don't know what this fight was about, I had PMS, I was emotional, I wanted to talk about my feelings, I started crying, I think my husband got frustrated, things went wrong. What I needed was love and comfort, I needed him to hold me and assure me he would be there for me no matter what, I needed him to listen to me and act like he really cares. That did not happen. He chose not to talk to me, despite I do pretty much everything for him, cooking, cleaning, etc. Last night I didn't cook, I just made Maggie Noodles, why the fuck would I cook after I'm treated like a doormat?

I think he also worried about his brother, who lives in India, he wants to come here for his MBA, sadly though, his brother got a terrible GMAT score. My husband really goes out of his way for his family, as one should, but I think he goes a bit too far. He has spent the last 2 years helping his brother out, filling out his applications, writing him looooooooooong emails about life, and asking him what he wants out of his life. His brother is 26! He even had me call up his brother and talk to him about his future plans.

What gets me is that why the fuck does he baby his brother so much? He is a grown man, who needs to stand on his own 2 feet and make some decisions on life, take some initiative. Why the hell doesn't he just say, "you need to get your act together and grow up." What puzzles me is he has no issues fighting with me if I ask him a question he does not like, however he sits there baby-ing his brother who has absolutely no goal in life, no motivation in life. So what do I think? I think my husband totally takes me for granted. He doesn't appreciate me, he thinks I'll always be around, that I can't distant myself from him. The truth is I really do love him, and I'm needy, I'm whiny, I'm a typical girly-girl, but I know if I want to distant myself from him, I can do it, and boy can I be a bitch if I do that.

When does it get easy? I wish I was his priority... there are days I will need love and support... it's always about him. Soon enough I'll have a kid and it'll be about him doing his MBA. Again, I will need to support him. Sure as hell, I am NOT living with his parents... at that point I would lose it. If Indian men would just grow some fuckin' balls and learn to prioritize their wife, and give time to their family, things would be okay. Instead, they choose to treat their wife like doormats, they don't do shit around the house, he doesn't pick up after himself, he doesn't help me with the dishes, cleaning, NOTHING! It's all about him and his family and his MBA and his god damn job!

I am so sick and tired of it. I come home, to my mom's home, hoping to take a break from my life, I don't have to cook or clean, I can just talk to her and spend time with my siblings. I am dreading when I have to go to India and spend 2 weeks there, I hate that country so much, let alone live there! Fuck no!

He said FU to me!

It is a Sunday evening, I had such a great week with my husband... I was wondering to myself, 'wow.. this is too good to be true, something is bound to happen.' We just can't go more than one and a half weeks without having some sort of dispute.

It was 9:30 pm and he went to the bedroom, I was just about to start "Desperate Housewives" for us to watch, instead he was going to call home, home for him is New Delhi, India. Now here comes the "I said, he said" part....

I said: Why do you always call home?
He: Fuck You! Who are you to tell me when I can call home?

I just left the room.

He called me into the room later...

He said: Why do you care how often I call home?
I didn't say anything.
He said: If i want, I can stop going to your home, I can stop going all together and you will cry. He said you are getting too comfortable.
By saying to me, I am getting too comfortable, he means, "if I want to, I can take you to India and you'll have to live there." Sorry buddy, you married an ABCD, not a FOB!

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" states that people don't always fight about the issue, often times, we end up fighting about HOW we fight and the hurtful comments made. My husband has issues with cursing, it is no surprise to me when he curses, he curses at me once a month on average - I will start keeping count now.

I know you are probably thinking why in the world would I question him when he calls home, well because, he is ALWAYS on the phone with India. It's like he lives here, but his heart is there, he spends more time on the phone with his parents talking, then he does talking to me, his wife. He told me last night he was calling India, so he went to bed at 10 pm, he spoke to his mom and dad. This morning he spoke to his brother in law and that is another story. Now again he is calling India. He spoke to his parents again on Thursday, I spoke to his mom at that time.

So let me tell you how the coversation went with his mom on Thursday:

I said: So I hear your son-in-law (we'll call him AS) is in California on business, I hear he's very busy.
She said: Yeah, he's busy, but he still calls me, he's busy but he'll make time to call me.

What was she trying to insinuate? I can almost laugh at this woman, my so called MIL (mother-in-law). I have two issues with her at the moment...

1. My dad was in the hospital for one day getting a heart procedure, this woman did not find it necessary to call my mom and see how my dad was doing. Of course, if the situation was reversed, they would expect my mom to call. Let me not fail to mention that my parents are 70, my MIL is 55. Huge difference! It went as far as my husband telling his mom to call my mom, and she claims she did, however no one picked up the phone, uhmmm... answering machine anyone? Perhaps she could have left a message. I discussed this issue with my mom... all she said was that is how people are in India, they have expectations from the girls' side of the family and don't expect anything else. Well, fuck that!

2. I sent my MIL & FIL flowers and sweets for Diwali 2009, I did it to get on their good side, make an effort. They chose to thank their son, rather than me, despite him saying that it was my idea. I paid for the entire thing, it wasn't on our joint credit card. The issue is not about money, it is the fact that I wanted to do something nice for them, however she didn't thank me once. On top of that, my parents sent them two boxes of sweets for Diwali 2009, she never bothered to call my mom and thank her, to even ask how my dad was doing.
Why on earth would I call this woman, what for? Because she's my husband's mother, but if my mom behaved this way with my husband, I would never expect him to speak to her, or make any effort. My husband will always respect my parents and make an effort with them because they have gone over and beyond for us. His parents never have, and they never will!

I just don't care to call his parents, they don't like me, I can tell. I don't ever want to come in the way between my husband and his family, I hope he will maintain a relationship with them for life, however I get annoyed when he feels this need to call them daily. Presently, his sister is living alone in Pune, his brother-in-law is in California for business, he calls his sister EVERY DAY to see how she's doing, check up on her. She's 28! Is this normal? I have an older brother, 13 years older, he could care less to call me, and I don't mean that in a bad way. That is how siblings are... we love each other, but at the same time, it's my sibling, I speak to them on average once a week, sometimes once in two weeks, sometimes even longer. My husband cannot go more than 2-3 days without speaking to his brother or sister. I just don't get it. Does it change once you have kids?

I don't complain to him about his parents anymore, there is no point, it just leads to fights and misunderstandings. I no longer tell him what his mom says to me on the phone, again, there is no point. He'll just think I need to make more of an effort. I also realize this... if we ever had problems, I could never turn to his family because they will never help me, they will assume it is my fault because I don't share the same values and morals as my husband, being an ABCD and all. The less his parents know, the better. I don't want to set any expectations with them, that I'm this perfect bahu who will bow down to them... no way! I don't win either way. When I do something nice, they will never thank me for it, they will never give me credit. So why bother?

I was so pissed off about another issue today... my husband's brother-in-law (AS) is in California for business, as I mentioned earlier. My husband gets on the phone with him and tells him to feel free to call my sister and my brother-in-law who live in California, not far from AS. So he gave AS my sister's phone number and asked him to call and introduce himself. Lets break down this relationship....
My husband's brother-in-law is going to call up my sister. Interesting!
My sister is a doctor and a mother of two, I doubt she has time to entertain this distant relationship. My brother-in-law was kind enough to take his call and talk to him. I later spoke to my husband about this and said, you can't call my sister up and wish her Happy Birthday (just a few days ago), but you can hand over her phone number to your brother-in-law so he can hang out with them. He's like I just gave it to him, nothing is going to happen. So I thought about this even further, why really did he give AS my sister's phone number?
Hmm... thinking.. thinking.. thinking.
Could it possibly be because his mom mentioned to my husband, make sure you let AS know that they live there, it is a good way to score brownie points with the son-in-law? Could it possibly be that my husband's sister had an arranged marriage, so they do anything and everything to kiss AS's ass and make him feel like a king? It is extremely common in India to go over and beyond for a son-in-law and brother-in-law. It had to be one of these two reasons. What pisses me off is that my husband sent my sister an email letting her know AS will call, however he never called my sister and brother-in-law to see how they are doing, and possibly thank them for speaking to his brother-in-law. Once again, my husband being selfish and thinking about his own family. Honestly, what does he expect? Does he expect my sister to invite AS over to dinner? That is surely NOT happening!

So now... do you see why I asked him why he's alwyas calling his family? He prioritizes them so much, regardless of where they are. If he spent a little of this effort helping me around the house or lighting up some candles for me so we have a romantic evening, or planning a nice dinner for me inside the home, or cooking a nice dinner, or heck, even taking me out for dinner, I would give our relationship a 10. His focus is his job and his family. He will call his parents lunch time, but he won't call me to see how I'm doing. He will call his siblings lunch time, but he won't call me to see how my day is.... he does email though. I know I have access to everyone in my life here, but I do have a sister out in California, I see her two-three times a year, not often. I talk to her once in three weeks, not often. My husband also has this thing where he thinks he's the eldest son, the eldest child in the family, so it is his "duty" to call everyone and keep relationships alive. My brother doesn't do that... my family is very close knit, but he doesn't go around kissing everyone's ass. I'm just sick and tired of it. I don't have kids, so I guess I can look past it, once I have kids, I wonder if the kids and I would be his #1 priority!

So tomorrow.. I will not be speaking to him since he cursed at me, I deserve an apology for that. I don't give a shit what I have a problem with, I don't want that kind of disrespect. How low must I feel when he curses at me? This is someone I married, I am stuck with, someone who claims he loves me so much, that he can't live without me, that I am everything for him, he said, "Fuck You", to me. These words scar women, we never forget. These words just make me more distant from him. I leave the room because I don't want to deal with the situation getting worse. I'm glad I have a nice dinner outing planned with my friends, this was before the fight, so I will have a great Monday, and come home at 10 pm. I don't have to deal with him. :-)

My Intro... An Angry Saturday Night about Sacrifice!

I just need to let it out, I need to vent. I'm tipsy, but not tipsy enough to not blog. It's a cold Saturday night in NYC. My husband and I went to dinner... we ended up having some Martinis, as usual, we ended up discussing our past. We were discussing sacrifices we made for one another, he felt he made a lot more sacrifices than I, and said, "lets not go there." Excuse Me! I made a lot of sacrifices for my husband, including the fact that he called off our wedding one and a half months before our date. YES! That is a fact and the reality I live with each day, and I still married him. I can't believe he has the nerve to say that he sacrificed more for me... and the reason is because he was willing to give up everything, his parents, his family, his country, to be with me. Oh, the truth about desi men... the pain a desi man endures, a desi immigrant, who leaves home by choice, and then blames his wife for his prescence in the USA. The US of A, a first world, clean, civilized country that he lives in by choice, and he blames me for living here. I said to him, "you would have lived here regardless, so I don't see how this could possibly be a sacrifice." Of course, he was like, "it doesn't matter, I sacrificed more." Another fact I live with is that two of my three siblings did not attend my wedding in India... and he said that does not count because his siblings did not attend our reception here in the US. What is more important for a woman, or a man for that matter, the wedding, or the reception? I would think the former. For a girl to not have her siblings attend her wedding is a HUGE F'in deal... and he brushed it off so lightly.

What am I doing here at 12 am blogging crap about my husband? We have been married nine months now... and I do love him, I went back to him after all the crap he put me thru, but something is missing. There are days I feel so alone, there are days I feel I married someone so much more different than I. We have so much in common, and yet other times it feels like we are from two different planets. For most of my life I was raised in the United States, however he was raised in India. Our cultures brought us together, yet our mentality differs in many ways. Is it ever easy? If I had married an ABCD, would it have been easier, or would I be facing a different set of problems? I often question this. Now don't get me wrong... I met my husband at work, I fell in love with him as a friend, and then I fell in love with him all over again as my husband. At the time I didn't realize how complicated our love would have become, we were just two crazy people in our 20s and in love. Had I known his family was about to disapprove of me because I was not the right "caste".... SIGH! Grow up people, we are in the 21st century! It became such an issue that my husband ended up going thru depression and calling off our wedding because of his parents' lack of support. I'm no saint either, I'll be the first to admit, I turned into Bridezilla and put pressure on him for other things, materialistic things that were a reach for him. Despite everything, our love survived thru all that, we ended up getting married where his parents wanted us to, in India, we abided by their customs, their rituals, and without my siblings. Lets also not forget the fact the Bride's parents endured all wedding costs, in addition, all reception costs in the USA. Hey, everything is fair in love and war, right? Why did I do it? I did it for him, I did it for me, because I was in love with him, I was also a certain 30 something, so age wasn't exactly on my side, and lastly, I was weakened by love. The kind of love that weakens you so much, you end up losing 10 pounds and look frail, weak, helpless, I wasn't the same person, I was in shock, I didn't care about myself, my job, nothing. Nothing mattered to me, but him. That is the kind of "weakness" I am talking about... I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on my worst enemy, and yet I looked past all of it, I suppose I forgave it. Some say I have a big heart and I am a strong person to forgive him, others are probably "thinking" I was weak and why did I forgive him. Sometimes I can't help but wonder, what if I didn't marry him, then what? Would I have met someone better? Would I have been happier? Am I expecting too much out of life? Would things have been different if I married an ABCD? I do love my husband deeply, I really do, but no love is perfect, even the ones that are effortless and where the parents approve. I often find myself thinking about the past, sometimes resenting him, often times resenting his parents. If things hadn't gone downhill, would we have been happier now? When will I let go of the past and the pain that I endured? When will I stop resenting his parents? When will I stop pretending that everything is perfect with his parents, when deep down I know it is not, rather it is far from it? When will he realize that I will never be capable of loving his parents, or really truly care for them. I do care about his parents, but not the kind of care one has for his own parents. I care for my friends a lot more than his parents. Is that normal? As annoying as my own parents are, I love them, I would do anything for them, his parents, I'm not so sure. I make an effort and call India to speak to them, but not as often as they would like me to, and frankly I just don't give a damn. I will never be able to live up to their standards of being that perfect Indian "bahu", but I make my weekly calls to make my husband happy, and that is it!

I guess after blogging all this... I do see how my husband fought against it all to be with me. He broke family tradition, he broke strong values that his family believed in... but I went thru a lot as well. For an Indian man to fight against his parents to marry the love of his life is a big deal, to win against all odds, is an even bigger deal. I was upset today when he said I didn't sacrifice as much as he did.. that is such bullsh*t. I sacrificed a lot, now I am sacrificing as a wife, realizing the hardships of being an Indian wife to a typical desi man... an Indian wife with a freakin' full time job and no naukers. God only knows how much I will have to sacrifice in the future, if it ever came down to living with the in-laws... I guess it would be safe to say, "let's not go there."